Living with guilt

Almost 15 years ago my sister and I were invited to a wedding. We RSVP'ed to say we were coming.
But my sister ended being out of town and me, well I didn't go because she wasn't going.
Things happen. Plans change. That's OK.
What's not OK was the fact that we never TOLD to the couple that we weren't coming.
So 2 empty places at the reception. Two of the headcount that was PAID FOR and not consumed.
What a waste.
And no explanation from us. Neither before nor after.
How RUDE.
Now every time I see the couple and their happy marriage and 2 kids I turn away. I am reminded of that rude rude thing we did.
I still feel bad.
My sister mentioned the incident and that she too feels bad.
So all in all we have suffered almost 15 years for this misdeed; 15 years of torture that we did the wrong thing by RSVP-ing and then not showing up. Fifteen years during which we are SURESURESURE the couple continues to hold it against us. Personally I think our suffering far outweighs theirs, simply for the duration of guilt for the magnitude of our sin, which is so out of character of the both of us.
Ayayay, isn't there an expiry date on these things?

Hokhujukhlar

That's a mouthful I know but it will make us buckle with laughter. You see, when we were growing up we had these neighbours beside us that were the most antipatic people. A family of four, 2 sons our age, cold people. The 2 kids we tried to make friends with but they ignored us. Once the younger one who was about my age was locked out of his house so I went over and offered our phone to call for help but he was not impressed. The mom in 15 years never said hello either. She just parked her car and scurried into the protection of her home. It was only the dad who would say hello to us, almost apologetically for the disgrace his family was with regards to hospitality. Just clammy people that probably slept with eye masks to keep out the light.

They were very private people. Perhaps they were in a witness relocation program. Perhaps they managed a grow-op. We accepted their antisociality. I always had the feeling they were racist. My dad was quick to agree with me. They never said anything to us, but it was just a hunch. After all, we were some kind of dark shade of white and we were loud. Plus we had an hibachi barbecue with homemade fire chimneys and I think it made them suspicious.

So for the years my family lived beside them we rarely saw them. After moving in they soon put up a big wooden privacy fence so they could further be shielded from us.
With time we saw these neighbours less and less. Less hellos with the dad. The boys moved out. No one seemed to visit them much. They were never out.
We never saw them. We never heard them. All in all they never caused trouble. They just didn't want to be friends with us, that's all. I guess:)
But it was my dad who concluded that this family was trying so hard to go stealth that the only way their presence could be detected was by their farts, something very hard for them to contain. Hence the name hokhujukhlar.
What's that unpleasant odour in air? Take a whiff. The hokhujukhlar must be home. Yes that's right. The smelly ones.
Pffffffff.

He could be the next Jackie Mason

I can’t quit.
The problem was that I got on a plane and it took me across the ocean and in between the baby’s crying bouts I had time to observe and reflect and goddammit why can`t I share this experience RIGHT NOW as it is PLAYING out before my very EYES??? Right at the moment I came out of the airplane toilet and the kid was sitting on an old lady's lap with a circle of adults around him and it was like he was just telling the punchline of a really funny joke because everyone was laughing and Leo himself was chuckling to loudest of all. It was funny as hell and dammit I needed to just share that.
That always happens when I travel. Odd and funny things happen and I want to record them somewhere and geez where is my journal and no wait I want to share them with my mom and sister and wait a minute didn’t I have a blog???
Ah yes the blog.
Am I prepared to share the odd tidbits of my life again with the Internet? If I could do it anonymously I would, simply to avoid the timid people on the periphery of my real life who come here. I won’t pretend I am good at it either, this writing thing, but I like to write. And I feel that good writing takes practise. So maybe I can get good at it with time.
So I am starting again today. But mark my words...at no given time will I EVER commit to writing the TRUTH. What you read here is neither fact nor fiction, but a little bit in between.
I do hope you enjoy it though:) Thanks for checking in:)

Thank you to all and to all a good night

I am going to stop writing now.
As you who are parents know there is hardly any time to go to the bathroom let alone write an entry.
Although there is a lot to say.
But I just don't want to share it anymore.
Not that I was particularly intimate with those that graced this blog, but it's a new phase of life with a baby and husband and family that I don't care to share anymore.
Thanks all who have visited over the past 3 years:) I am truly honoured that you have found it interesting enough to come back.
So as the final entry let me share with you 10 thoughts of wisdom, some of which overlap and intertwine, but all have struck me over the past 3 years that I have touched upon through various entries:
1. Hard times are inevitable. Life is a series of ups and downs. Bad things can and will happen to you, whether they are caused by others or just because, like sickness. Remember this in low moments because they will pass. Everything does, be it sickness, death, breakups, lost jobs, etc...It will inevitably get better. And these bad moments will make the good moments seem especially sweet.
2. It doesn't matter what you do - there will always be someone out there who thinks you are an asshole. Just leave it be. You can't please everybody and not everyone will like you. So stop trying.
3. Whatever you do, never try to turn around on a moving treadmill.
4. You will cause harm to others, maybe not intentionally but sometimes it happens even when you don't mean it to. I guess that's the imperfection of being human...But humans aren't meant to suffer indefinitely for things they have done wrong. But do your best to acknowledge the hurt and apologize and then move on with life. Atonement is for all who seek it.
5. There is great satisfaction in purging. Whether it's physical goods that you don't use anymore (my personal timeline is that if I haven't used it in a year it's garbage) or even old thoughts or regrets, sometimes even people, just purge as much as you can. Don't go through life with baggage.
6. When someone pays you a compliment the only thing you are required to do is to say thank you. You don't have to negate it, you don't have to pay a compliment back or even justify anything. Just say thanks and leave it be.
7. Toronto is an awesome place to live. And Christie Pits is a great neighbourhood. You are practically downtown, with a subway so close by. Christie Pits Park is simply wonderful with its playgrounds and soccer field and pool and ice rink. It is really family-friendly. And granted Toronto gets cold in the winter, but so what. There are jobs and opportunities and great restaurants and great amenities that the city has to offer. I love the ethnic diversity you can find there. I think it's a model for the rest of the world on how people from all 4 corners of the earth can live together in harmony. Plus Toronto's got great coffee. I am proud to come from Toronto.
8. Don't be complacent. If something is not working in your life, like a job or a relationship or even your own unhappiness with yourself or your body for example, do something to make it better. In my case a leave of absence from my job was just the thing. Address the issue head on without wasting time. Don't accept things if they are continuously making you itchy. Life is too short to live with an itch that doesn't go away. And there is a risk that you will come to regret things later in life...and that will suck even more. Fix the problem and move on.
9. Brush your teeth at least 2 times a day and floss every day. You will have healthier gums and teeth and will be less germy. Trust me this is better than getting dentures, gum disease or gap- toothed smiles.
10. Success in life is not your ability to avoid bad things happening but rather your ability to overcome those complications. And neither are we meant to suffer indefinitely. We are meant to learn from our experiences good and bad and move on. Resilience is success.
I suppose I could be more sappy and write about love or something, but that's just not my style.
Thanks again for visiting:)

The Great Frog

So it is practically week 2 and our little Leo is adjusting to life. He has so much trust in us, although when he thinks we are not doing a good job he ups the volume on his crying a bit:)
Shout out to our pediatrician. The first visit in Italy is always at the home. Which is awesome because last week I wouldn't have been able to walk 5 minutes with my still massive back pain.
I will not lie this is a very hard job of having a baby. Between back pain and stitches that I don't want to count and bleeding nipples and no sleep or time or energy I had a rough first week. But I am obviously not the first nor the last mom in the world and let me just say I am so so grateful to have such a wonderful husband who does everything to support our little Leo and a great mom who reminds me how to remain sane.
My favourite part of Leo so far are his feet. They are big. He has this green bodysuit and when he wears it we call him the Great Frog because of his big dodigs. They are just like mine actually. I can't get over how he was just inside me less than 2 weeks ago with these absolutely perfect big dodigs with their delicate toes and nails. I can't help but smile when I get to hold them when he is calmly breastfeeding. How wonderful:)

He's here

He was already 3 days late when finally I felt a minor contraction. We were on our way to Fiesole but when I told Alberto and my mom about the contraction we turned back home.
The next morning I had an appointment at the hospital anyway. But they turned me back home when they discovered I was only half a centimetre dilated. Boo to them because 2 hours later we were back. I was feeling pain every 5 minutes. Alberto made me get into a wheelchair to make it look worse than it was.
But he was right. They reluctantly admitted me even though I was still only half a centimetre. But thank god because the pain was going nowhere.
I was making a lot of painful noises so they moved me to a more private room. And a few hours later I was in a labour room.
The anesthesiologist informed us that I couldn't have an epidural after all because my platelet levels were too low. As Alberto started arguing with her I was like I don't care give me whatever drugs you can I can't stand this any more.
So they gave me these useless IVs in both hands which basically made me sleep between contractions. It didn't take the edge off at all.
Anyway, a few hours later I was completely dilated and just felt like pushing. They then ruptured my water and made me walk to the delivery room.
I didn't feel like walking to say the least.
And then the surreal part started.
I remember strange lights that looked like a disco ball. I remember a lot of ladies in the room, a very competent obstetrician and Alberto behind me. No time for an episiotomy oh no. And I remember being very very very scared. I kept saying I am too scared to push and the obstetrician kept yelling at me why are you scared? Just push already. Nadine do you trust me? Then push. And stop screaming that won't help the baby come out. Breathe like this.
And so it went.
20 minutes later little Leonardo Armen Lo Russo exploded into this world like a fish out of water. It was Tuesday, June 23, at 1:49am. He was 4.070 Kilos, which is about 9 pounds. APGAR score was 10 for 10, and he was 53 cm long and had a head diameter of 35.5 cm. They put him on my stomach and he looked up at me with these very watery eyes as if to say mummy, I've arrived. And I'm ready:)

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